Because I have a tendency to see the world in black-and-white extremes, anxiety has a direct relationship with certainty of impending doom. Others may call it paranoia. Or perhaps, "nothing to worry about." But in my head, the sky is falling.
I like to
make lists. They make the world feel neat and orderly and less likely to fall apart.
Herewith is a list of the things, great and small, that I am feeling particularly anxious/doomsday about at the moment:
• Fleas. Both on my cats and in my blankets. Ew.
• The pain in my ankle that won't go away. Which is probably a stress fracture. (But is more likely a simple strain from over-use, because due to my own pigheadedness, I'm still going running even though my ankle hurts.)
• Gaining weight. Or possibly having already gained weight.
• The fact that gaining weight bothers me so much.
• An unexpected and major financial catastrophe coming hot on the heels of finally reaching a place of relative financial stability.
• My teeth. A recurring anxiety that would probably be greatly alleviated by making a dentist appointment.
• The photoshoot for my book. I mean, what if all my brews look like sludge? Or don't sparkle when they need to be sparkly? Or the bottles shatter on my way to the photoshoot? Oh dear, I just realized that I'm having performance anxiety for my homebrew.
I think that's it. That's enough, right? Interestingly enough, I'm not all that anxious about finishing my cookbook. Maybe because that's actually something that I feel like I have control over. Possibly, I have control issues and the reason that all the things on this list are making me so anxious is because I feel like I don't really have control over any of them.
There is the crux of the issue: not feeling in control. Not being able to control the outcome. Feeling helpless and at the mercy of something I don't understand. Some of these things (my ankle, my teeth) can probably be remedied by just going to see someone, finding out what to do, and taking care of it. Done. Other things are more complicated and require a certain level of living with the uncomfortableness of not knowing. Which is hard.
Incidentally, the weight gain issue falls somewhere in between and is a whole different barrel of psychological monkeys. We can save that for another rainy day.
But never fear. The sun will rise (probably). The sky will (most likely) not fall. The photoshoot will come to pass (eventually) and four months of flea meds will (hopefully) exorcise my home of pin-sized demons. Meanwhile, you can find me hiding under the desk with some gummy bears and a few jugs of homebrew.
